Job 8:21 - He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Promoting Smiles
Jokes

Curtain Rods

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
 
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow ends of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.  When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
 
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting ho use. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods!
 

ATTENTION READERS

First, thanks to all who read my website.  I really am grateful. However, I need to say that
I shall not 'endorse'
any product, even if it's 'slipped in' to a comment on any article.  I really
do appreciate
those who take the time to write a genuine comment, but there are a few who write different ones on the same individual article, and include specific websites of their own, probably believing I will not catch it.  Most of these are not the type of sites/blogs I would ever visit myself, therefore would never make it seem that I endorse them.  To those of you who are doing that, with the same email address, or the same IP address, I ask that you refrain in the future.  Again, to those who genuinely read and enjoy www.takecaregodbless.com, I thank you.  Maggie

From Maxine......


I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of  myself. I've become my own friend.. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. 


I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.


Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 and 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
 
 
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. 

I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not  break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
 

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever  etched into deep grooves on my face. 
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. 

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I  like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
 


So, okay - it's not a 'real' joke ... but at my age, it's refreshing to laugh at myself !!!



Gutsy Guy

A man boarded a plane with six kids.  
 
 (gutsy guy!)  

 
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? " 
 
 
He replied,  " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. " 

Maxine on Border Control

Maxine on Border Control  

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in
Florida ...  

....... not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to
New Orleans
to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the
Florida
alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments    

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.    

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq
.... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.    

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment. 

It is time for
America to speak up!  ---------  Yep, I passed it on!

 

Scuba Divers


A redneck, trying to trip up Boudreaux, asked, Why do scuba divers always
fall out the boat backwards?

Boudreaux said, "If  they fell forward they would still  be in the boat!!!"

Golfer and the Dentist


A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.  I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go
play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

A.A.A.D.D.

I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

          This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs
washing. As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it
cold.. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there's a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there's still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car
keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done
today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.....

 

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


Don't laugh...if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

Taking the Time

"TAKING THE TIME"

Colossians 4:6
"Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone."

All three of the attached comics have special meaning for me.  Again, for me, they signify the lack of personal connection

which can occur in today's society.  No, I don't have 'Facebook', so if any of you out there think I've 'kept up' with you by

it, you're mistaken.  It's a shame that instead of personal emails, phone calls, or face-to-face visits which seem to have gone the way of outdated 8-tracks and VHS, we lack the desire to 'keep in touch'. 

As I was growing up, we had a party-line on our phone --- with no 'voice mail', and no 'caller i.d.'.  There were no computers, no cell phones, no emails, yet we always were in touch with everyone in our lives.  At my age, many of my peers have already died, and most of my peers have lost their parents.  Do we ever wish we had been closer to any of them?  I know that

I do.  Time passes faster than we'd like to admit, and sometimes we regret our omissions.                  Thinking of you always.  Maggie

________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks Dad

To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. ~Euripides

Every year of my childhood, our family of six would take a summer vacation. Over the Sacramento River and through the Idaho woods to our grandmother's house we'd go.

Trips were simpler then. No itinerary, no restaurants, no motel reservations, no travel kits or GPS units dictating the miles. Just a few old maps, historical landmarks, rest sites and Burma-Shave signs marked our route along the highway.

We were a large family on an educator's budget so we packed our own food, slept in the car while our parents drove through the night, or stayed at the welcoming homes of our relatives for reunion family fun from the West Coast to the Midwest prairies of North Dakota.

Travel may have been simpler then, but the packing ritual of the family station wagon was not. My father planned the placing and stuffing of camping gear, coolers and suitcases, cramming the luggage rack, every cubby and space beneath the seats. There was a method to the madness, but only my father understood the logistics.

The car sat ready overnight as we all tried to sleep until the 4:00 AM start time. The loading of our family into the car was no less strategic than the astronauts strapping into their seats before they are blasted off into space.

The back seat was loaded first. My sister, Dawn, sat in the center with her feet on the hump of the floor that could get uncomfortably warm. My brother was on the passenger side, his scouting experience earning him the official map-reading position of authority. I was on the driver's side with my feet on everyone's flip-flops, activity books, comics and magazines. My youngest sister, Tammy, was in front between Dad and Mom, in a seat with her own play steering wheel, horn, blinkers and all. My mother sat with her feet on a cooler filled with the chicken she had fried, boiled eggs, rolls, fruit, celery, chips, and salami and cheese sandwiches.

Before my father got in the car, he checked us all for safety and comfort and then did something my fourteen-year-old heart will never forget. In a gesture of respect, love, and appreciation for my self-taught ability, my father handed me my guitar in its stiff cardboard case, and helped slide it behind me on top of everything else, into the perfect pocket he had created for it. It was a safe spot, protected from roughhousing and direct sunshine, and it was easily accessible for me to play.

How understandable it would have been for him to say that there was no room for that big awkward thing or that it was a bother, or that he didn't want to hear that "noise" through the whole trip. But that wasn't my dad's way. He packed it, guarded it at gas stops, encouraged my song writing and sang along as I struggled to strum the right strings.

Now, I'm the one packing the car to drive my dad and mom to vacation at our lake cabin. My husband and I built the cabin with my parents' comfort and my mother's wheelchair in mind. Every year, I load the car to its last inch. When I can't find room for another thing, I slam the trunk, always relieved when I hear the soft thud of a job well done and not the clanging sound of overloaded resistance.

Ready to go, my father helps my mother into the car. Even though it's painful for him to bend his knees, my father insists she sit in the front.

One time, my father stopped before getting in the car.

"No room for this?" he asked, pointing to my guitar case left in the entryway.

"Not this trip, Dad," I said, trying not to show my disappointment.

I locked up the house while my father struggled to wedge himself into the crowded space allotted him. I backed out of the driveway and we headed the three hours north.

When we pulled into the dirt road of the cabin, I parked and hurried to help my mother out of the car and into her wheelchair.

After making sure she was comfortable inside the cabin, I went to unload the car. It was only then that I realized that my father wasn't on the deck taking in the blue beauty of the lake. He was still sitting in the back seat.

"Cindy, can I have a little help here?" he laughed. "I'm kinda stuck."

Puzzled, I went around to his side of the car and saw what the problem was. There, on his lap, for three hours, without a word of complaint, he had held my guitar, wedged between his knees and the back of my seat. He was in obvious discomfort.

I hurried to move the front seat forward so I could pull the guitar case out.

"Dad, you didn't have to do that!"

"Sure I did, Cindy. I always make room for what's important to me, and what's important to me is you." He winced as I helped him up and out.

Stretching his knees before he could walk, my father looked out at the lake and breathed in the piney air. He smiled, despite his pain. "I'm grateful that you make a place for us here."

"Dad, I always make room for what's important to me," I repeated his words to him, "and what's important to me is you."
By Cynthia M. Hamond, From "Chicken Soup for the Soul"
  

Sleeping Leg


A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the
doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a
culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with
her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients
came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she
stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not
wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered
toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady
nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them
sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back
to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As
she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one
whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you
he was a wonderful doctor!"

Received from Pastor Tim.