SEVERAL
Zookeeper's Dilemma
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so
he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he
didn't know the plural of "mongoose."
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two
mongeese."
No, that wouldn't work, so he tried again: "To whom it may
concern, I need two mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a
mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
Astronomy Quiz
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're
having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you
gonna let her go, Mom?"
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I
drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the
chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these
mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his
hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other
means rewind!"
Art vs Science
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same
compartment on a train. They had never met before, so
naturally there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the
window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist
was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know
so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist
was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to
play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was
doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window,
humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist,
who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a
game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you
give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't
answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided
against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very
bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final
time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't
answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and
if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't
totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the
scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the
Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the
answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the
scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and
promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought
about this for a few minutes and then asked, "All right,
what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on
four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face.
He thought about this for a long time, taking out his
notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up
on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia
Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly
watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the
scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a
$50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to
the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!
What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and
calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
The Wedding Dress
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear
mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the
first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as
Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on
her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my
arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in
time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit
into that dress!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth
Mad Cow
Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to
the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that
is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about
it; I'm an airplane!"
Received from Harrison Cobb
Kids Are Funny
One Sunday we sat in the front pew of our church. Our
three-year-old son was playing with a stuffed animal and
accidentally dropped it on the floor. Just as he was about
to pick it up, the priest walked over and stood in front of
us. Our son looked up with a look of awe on his face and
whispered, "God?"
It was all the priest could do to continue with his sermon,
especially with us laughing so hard.
When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches
died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I
flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had
seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying
to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with
God now.
He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked,
"God is in the toilet?"
Received from Terri
Drought Affects Churches
Severe drought affects churches in northern Alabama,
Tennessee, and northwest Georgia.
Did you know that because of the drought in these areas,
church budgets are greatly affected?
Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the
Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the
Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into
water.
Received from Tim McNulty
Larry LaPrise Died
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died
peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into
the coffin.
They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Received from Mark Penn
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so
he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he
didn't know the plural of "mongoose."
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two
mongeese."
No, that wouldn't work, so he tried again: "To whom it may
concern, I need two mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a
mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
Astronomy Quiz
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're
having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you
gonna let her go, Mom?"
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I
drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the
chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these
mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his
hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other
means rewind!"
Art vs Science
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same
compartment on a train. They had never met before, so
naturally there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the
window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist
was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know
so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist
was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to
play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was
doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window,
humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist,
who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a
game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you
give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't
answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided
against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very
bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final
time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't
answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and
if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't
totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the
scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the
Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the
answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the
scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and
promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought
about this for a few minutes and then asked, "All right,
what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on
four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face.
He thought about this for a long time, taking out his
notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up
on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia
Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly
watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the
scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a
$50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to
the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!
What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and
calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
The Wedding Dress
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear
mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the
first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as
Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on
her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my
arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in
time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit
into that dress!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth
Mad Cow
Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to
the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that
is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about
it; I'm an airplane!"
Received from Harrison Cobb
Kids Are Funny
One Sunday we sat in the front pew of our church. Our
three-year-old son was playing with a stuffed animal and
accidentally dropped it on the floor. Just as he was about
to pick it up, the priest walked over and stood in front of
us. Our son looked up with a look of awe on his face and
whispered, "God?"
It was all the priest could do to continue with his sermon,
especially with us laughing so hard.
When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches
died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I
flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had
seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying
to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with
God now.
He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked,
"God is in the toilet?"
Received from Terri
Drought Affects Churches
Severe drought affects churches in northern Alabama,
Tennessee, and northwest Georgia.
Did you know that because of the drought in these areas,
church budgets are greatly affected?
Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the
Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the
Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into
water.
Received from Tim McNulty
Larry LaPrise Died
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died
peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into
the coffin.
They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Received from Mark Penn
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