Jokes

History of Mayonnaise

2012-05-18T14:58:11Z

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

Peter Cottontail

2012-04-17T14:26:56Z

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" She asked.

The rabbit replied:

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",

To which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

HELLO, READERS

2012-04-16T14:47:01Z

If you ever see any type of advertisement on this website, please disregard it. I try to stay on top of
this by deleting, but sometimes one gets through.
I shall never, knowingly, approve any type of advertisement. Thank you, take care, and God bless you always. Maggie

OOPS !!!

2012-04-14T14:40:14Z

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes,

and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

His Name Was Bubba

2012-03-30T11:46:20Z

His name was Bubba, he was from TEXAS... and he needed a loan, so...

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

(Keep An Eye On Those Southern Boys! They're not so dumb!)

The Bird Feeder

2012-03-05T19:22:13Z

TRUE STORY (from Maggie):

When my folks were still in their house, they had a pole in the backyard with a bird feeder on the top. They loved to sit on their back porch and watch all the birds 'visit'. However, they had a pesky squirrel which inveribly would scamper up the pole to his 'bird feed' smorgasbourg.

Early one morning, my Daddy went outside and covered the pole with lard. Sure enough, later in the morning, here came the squirrel and jumped up on the pole. He was unsuccessful in his attempt to go 'up', but instead slid back down.

He stepped back and looked at his front paws in disbelief. Being perplexed but not deterred, he took a running start, up the pole, then again slid back down. He tried two more times, then disappeared up one of their big trees.

Soon, they noticed a lower branch shaking and sure enough, it was the squirrel. Very methodically, the squirrel assessed the situation from a different viewpoint, then jumped on the

nearest branch to his target bird feeder. Sure enough, he jumped onto the 'roof' of the birdfeeder, then attacked his lunch with victorious vigor !!

Mother and Daddy laughed so hard, they figured he deserved the treat !!!

The Haircut

2012-03-02T18:31:36Z

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

'Son, did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

Billy Graham

2012-02-22T17:29:33Z

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was
a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.' Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who

was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that Important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a
very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?' The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important
than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think its Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

Missing Person (Cajun Style)

2012-02-22T17:19:45Z

MISSING PERSON -- (CAJUN STYLE)

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident near Marsh Island, Louisiana, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Wildlife and Fisheries agents. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the agents.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" The agents looked at each other.

Finally, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second agent said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The agent continued, "When we pulled her up, she had six twenty-five pound blue point crabs and four dozen good-size crawfish clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The agent answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Crisis in da Gulf

2012-02-22T17:18:04Z

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and started laying around.

He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him. Boudreaux explained, "I heard 'Crisis in da Gulf' and if He's dat close, I wanna be good to go!

A Mature Lady

2012-02-22T17:12:12Z

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

$2.99

2012-02-22T16:56:30Z

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........

God willing, someday you will be.......

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

A Heart-Warming Lawyer Story

2012-01-19T17:15:27Z

One afternoon a Lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one Man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then,you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," The lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, Also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also Have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a Car as large as the limousine was.

Once under Way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and Said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

Grandma Still Drives

2012-01-16T16:57:01Z

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Being Thankful - Really, no joke

2011-11-22T13:27:57Z

"Being Thankful"

Thanksgiving is closely approaching. Everyone is thanking the Lord for His blessings, thanking each other, and most are thanking Him for the 'spread' of food on our Thanksgiving table. I wonder why we don't do that EVERY day? After all, the Lord is with us always and provides for our needs every day, so having a thankful heart continuously seems only right.

Matthew 28:20
" Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you.

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

I hope that you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with fun
and love for each other, and yes, gratitude over-flowing. Maggie

__________________________________________________________________________

Being Thankful in All Circumstances
by Betty Miller

One of the most important keys that will make it possible for us to walk in kingdom living is our expression of praise. The Lord's prayer begins in an attitude of worship and praise, "Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth" (Luke 11:2). Praise is the will of God, and heaven overflows with it.

"And a voice came out of the throne, saying, Praise our God, all ye his servants, and ye that fear him, both small and great. And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth. Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honor to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready" (Revelation 19:5-7).

Since the presence of praise is voiced continually in heaven, our voices should also be lifted up in praise to our Lord. In 1Thessalonians 5:16-18 we are told to, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." The Lord tells us here that we are to have an attitude of joy, thanksgiving and prayer at all times, no matter what the conditions or circumstances are that surround us.

This verse does not mean that we are to thank God for bad things and tragedies that come our way. It means that we are to remain joyful no matter what is happening in our lives because we have the Lord, and in Him we shall overcome no matter what the devil is trying to do to us. The Lord does not want us to thank Him for the bad things that happen to us because He did not send them. He is not the author of evil. We are not to become bitter over life's circumstances, but rather to continue to rejoice in the Lord. It is the will of God for us to rejoice no matter what comes. It is not the will of God to receive evil things as from Him. It is an insult to God to thank Him for accidents, sickness, tragedy, etc. He does not send those things to us, the devil does. We are told to resist the devil, and submit to God. (James 4:7, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.") We are to love and rejoice in the Lord in spite of what the devil tries to do to us.

One of Satan's favorite schemes is to send something bad into someone's life and blame it on God. If he can get people to believe it is from the Lord, he has an easier time convincing them of his next lie, that God has failed them and deserted them. He follows this up with a further lie, "Why go on serving a God who does these kinds of things to you?" Satan's real target is to destroy our faith in God. He just attacks different areas to get at different people.

Our prayers should be in an attitude of praise even in the midst of our trials. We should lift our voices and praise the Lord like this, "Father, I praise You and love You, and no matter what the devil is trying to do to me. I know that You shall bring me through victoriously! Show me what I need to do, Lord. Show me the door that I have opened to the enemy. I resist him in the name of Jesus, and I command him to leave with all of his oppression and attacks. Jesus, You are the Lord of my life, and I submit to You and will never deny You no matter what happens. Praise God!".

Instead of praying like that, many Christians fall for the enemy's lies and come under condemnation and suffering. They begin to question God and even become mad at Him. The fault is not the Lord's but our own. We miss His complete victory because we have attributed Satan's attack to the Lord. We can even open the door for the enemy to come against us by not having a cheerful and rejoicing heart. We may complain and gripe to God about our plight in life instead of using the weapons He has given us to overcome the devil. Telling our troubles to God is not complaining, but blaming God for them is. One of the greatest weapons is our weapon of praise. We must praise God that He is there for us and lean not to our own understanding.

Sell Those Bibles

2011-11-11T16:47:58Z

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons
of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three

volunteers from the congregation who would be

willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10

each to raise the desperately needed money for

the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to

volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned

their living as salesmen and were likely capable

of selling some Bibles. But he had serious

doubts about Louie who was a local farmer,

who had always kept to himself because he was
embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING

TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to

let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back

seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked

them to meet with him and report the results

of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were,

the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack,

how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope,

Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was

able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I

collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously

shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman

and the church is indebted to you.."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles

did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28

Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's
$280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely

splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional

salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie

and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell

any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it

and counted the contents. "What is this?" the
minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in

here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320

Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in

unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister

agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you

managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.."I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't

kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,

"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to

b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for

t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would

yo-you j-j-j-just like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand

h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

Need Help?

2011-11-10T17:33:24Z

I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in the
world and here in the USA and at how my life was falling apart
when I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Okay, it's "bad", but you know you are laughing.

You Didn't Know What You Can Do With a Fruitcake

2011-10-23T21:51:59Z

With the Holiday Seasons quickly approaching, you may still have that
fruitcake from LAST year:

Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake

1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.

2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.

5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.

7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.

8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.

10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."

11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.

12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.

Noah Today

2011-10-03T16:26:36Z

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

The Hotel Bill

2011-10-03T16:06:28Z

Do Not Mess With Senior Citizens

The Hotel Bill

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens