Job 8:21 - He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Promoting Smiles
Jokes

From Another Grandchild

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

 After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
 holiday away from school.

 One child wrote the following:

 We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

 They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
 moved to Arizona ..

 Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like
 grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they 
don't know who they are anymore.

 They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
 fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't 
do them very well.

 There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
 hats on.

 At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it..
 He watches all day so nobody can escape.

 Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

 Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

 And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

 Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

 The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot
 luck.

 My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
 and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

 When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

 Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

 .... PRICELESS

Posted by Maggie at 6/9/2010 9:27 AM | Add Comment

From the Mouths of Grandchildren


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"  I will  probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.   My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,  "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,  putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.  "We used to skate outside on a pond.   I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5.  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''  "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.  
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7.  I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out  something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.   Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. "

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised  "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting. " she said.  "How do you make babies?"  
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:  "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."   The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.  "Oh," he said, "She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.  Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

Posted by Maggie at 5/30/2010 7:27 PM | Add Comment

Nine Habits Other People Have


1. When someone points at his wrist while asking for the
time. I know where my watch is, pal; where is yours?

2. Someone who is willing to get off the couch to search the
entire room for the TV remote because he refuses to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and
eat it too." Of course I do! What good is cake if you can't
eat it?

4. When people say, "It's always the last place you look."
Of course it is. Why in the world would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are
they?

5. When people say while watching a movie at the theater,
"Did you see that?" No, loser, I paid $12 to come to the
cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really
give me a choice there, did ya, sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If
it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If
it's an improvement, then there must have been something
before it, so it couldn't be new.

8.When people say, "Life is short." What are they talking
about?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does and still
remembers! What can you do on earth that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has
the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing
here?

~ Received from Emily G.

Posted by Maggie at 5/28/2010 11:32 AM | Add Comment

Why God Made Moms

WHY GOD MADE MOMS



Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:





Why did God make mothers?



1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.



2..  Mostly to clean the house.



3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?



1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.



2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.



3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

 

1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

 

2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

 

1.  We're related.

 

2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.



What kind of a little girl was your mom?

 

1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

 

2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

 

3.  They say she used to be nice.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

 

1.  His last name.

 

2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?

 

3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

 

1..  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot

 

2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.

 

3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?

 

1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

 

2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.

 

3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms and dads?

 

1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

 

2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..

 

3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

 

4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

 

1.  Mothers don't do spare time.

 

2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

 

1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

 

2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

 

1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.

 

2.  I'd make my mom smarter..  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

 

3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.  





Posted by Maggie at 5/17/2010 2:30 PM | Add Comment

A Speeding Ticket

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket 

Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside, San Diego , California . 

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. 

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location. 

Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment. 

The reply came back in true USMC style: 

'Thank you for your letter. 
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment. It then automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.   The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. 

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

Semper Fi

Posted by Maggie at 3/5/2010 10:28 AM | View Comments (1) | Add Comment

Church Bloopers

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church
 bulletins or were announced in church services:
 -------------------------- 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference
 includes meals. 
-------------------------- 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 
-------------------------- 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands. 
-------------------------- 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who
doesn't care much about you. 
-------------------------- 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
-------------------------- 
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
-------------------------- 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
-------------------------- 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get. 
-------------------------- 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
-------------------------- 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
 Music will follow. 
-------------------------- 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
-------------------------- 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
-------------------------- 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
-------------------------- 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
 person you want remembered. 
-------------------------- 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
 and gracious hostility. 
-------------------------- 
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 
-------------------------- 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
-------------------------- 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
 from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
-------------------------- 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. 
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 
-------------------------- 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
 would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
-------------------------- 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door. 
------------------------- 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
-------------------------- 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
 Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
-------------------------- 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Posted by Maggie at 3/2/2010 8:35 PM | Add Comment

Directions

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Posted by Maggie at 3/1/2010 7:39 PM | Add Comment

Women Who Fish?

 
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. 
 
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. 

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. 
 
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'   
 
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.  

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.   For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'  

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.  

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.  

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.' 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
 

MORAL:      
Never argue with a woman who reads.    
It's likely she can also think.

Posted by Maggie at 2/11/2010 9:14 PM | Add Comment

Traffic Camera

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went
around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more
slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was
quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past
the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the
mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.

~ Received from Retief de Villiers.

Posted by Maggie at 1/30/2010 6:48 PM | Add Comment

From This Week's TEXASCOOK.COM

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend… if you have one.” -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if
there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.
__________________________________________________________

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
__________________________________________________________

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows
who had been rivals all their lives followed different career
paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the
other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.
The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly,
"Oh Porter, from what gate is the flight to Dallas leaving?"
The Admiral approached, bowed, and said
"Gate 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition.
__________________________________________________________

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will
do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he
would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Posted by Maggie at 1/24/2010 1:44 PM | Add Comment
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