Jokes

Curtain Rods

Maggie — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:10:00 GMT

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow ends of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting ho use. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods!

ATTENTION READERS

Maggie — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:28:00 GMT

First, thanks to all who read my website. I really am grateful. However, I need to say that
I shall not 'endorse' any product, even if it's 'slipped in' to a comment on any article. I really
do appreciate those who take the time to write a genuine comment, but there are a few who write different ones on the same individual article, and include specific websites of their own, probably believing I will not catch it. Most of these are not the type of sites/blogs I would ever visit myself, therefore would never make it seem that I endorse them. To those of you who are doing that, with the same email address, or the same IP address, I ask that you refrain in the future. Again, to those who genuinely read and enjoy www.takecaregodbless.com, I thank you. Maggie

From Maxine......

Maggie — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:55:00 GMT

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 and 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

So, okay - it's not a 'real' joke ... but at my age, it's refreshing to laugh at myself !!!

Gutsy Guy

Maggie — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:43:00 GMT

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

(gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

Maxine on Border Control

Maggie — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:14:00 GMT

Maxine on Border Control

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

....... not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

It is time for America to speak up! --------- Yep, I passed it on!

Scuba Divers

Maggie — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:12:00 GMT

A redneck, trying to trip up Boudreaux, asked, Why do scuba divers always
fall out the boat backwards?

Boudreaux said, "If they fell forward they would still be in the boat!!!"

Golfer and the Dentist

Maggie — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 11:00:00 GMT

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

A.A.A.D.D.

Maggie — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 17:36:00 GMT

I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs
washing. As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it
cold.. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there's a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there's still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car
keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done
today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh...if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Taking the Time

Maggie — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:42:00 GMT

"TAKING THE TIME"

Colossians 4:6
"Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone."

All three of the attached comics have special meaning for me. Again, for me, they signify the lack of personal connection

which can occur in today's society. No, I don't have 'Facebook', so if any of you out there think I've 'kept up' with you by

it, you're mistaken. It's a shame that instead of personal emails, phone calls, or face-to-face visits which seem to have gone the way of outdated 8-tracks and VHS, we lack the desire to 'keep in touch'.

As I was growing up, we had a party-line on our phone --- with no 'voice mail', and no 'caller i.d.'. There were no computers, no cell phones, no emails, yet we always were in touch with everyone in our lives. At my age, many of my peers have already died, and most of my peers have lost their parents. Do we ever wish we had been closer to any of them? I know that

I do. Time passes faster than we'd like to admit, and sometimes we regret our omissions. Thinking of you always. Maggie

________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks Dad

To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. ~Euripides

Every year of my childhood, our family of six would take a summer vacation. Over the Sacramento River and through the Idaho woods to our grandmother's house we'd go.

Trips were simpler then. No itinerary, no restaurants, no motel reservations, no travel kits or GPS units dictating the miles. Just a few old maps, historical landmarks, rest sites and Burma-Shave signs marked our route along the highway.

We were a large family on an educator's budget so we packed our own food, slept in the car while our parents drove through the night, or stayed at the welcoming homes of our relatives for reunion family fun from the West Coast to the Midwest prairies of North Dakota.

Travel may have been simpler then, but the packing ritual of the family station wagon was not. My father planned the placing and stuffing of camping gear, coolers and suitcases, cramming the luggage rack, every cubby and space beneath the seats. There was a method to the madness, but only my father understood the logistics.

The car sat ready overnight as we all tried to sleep until the 4:00 AM start time. The loading of our family into the car was no less strategic than the astronauts strapping into their seats before they are blasted off into space.

The back seat was loaded first. My sister, Dawn, sat in the center with her feet on the hump of the floor that could get uncomfortably warm. My brother was on the passenger side, his scouting experience earning him the official map-reading position of authority. I was on the driver's side with my feet on everyone's flip-flops, activity books, comics and magazines. My youngest sister, Tammy, was in front between Dad and Mom, in a seat with her own play steering wheel, horn, blinkers and all. My mother sat with her feet on a cooler filled with the chicken she had fried, boiled eggs, rolls, fruit, celery, chips, and salami and cheese sandwiches.

Before my father got in the car, he checked us all for safety and comfort and then did something my fourteen-year-old heart will never forget. In a gesture of respect, love, and appreciation for my self-taught ability, my father handed me my guitar in its stiff cardboard case, and helped slide it behind me on top of everything else, into the perfect pocket he had created for it. It was a safe spot, protected from roughhousing and direct sunshine, and it was easily accessible for me to play.

How understandable it would have been for him to say that there was no room for that big awkward thing or that it was a bother, or that he didn't want to hear that "noise" through the whole trip. But that wasn't my dad's way. He packed it, guarded it at gas stops, encouraged my song writing and sang along as I struggled to strum the right strings.

Now, I'm the one packing the car to drive my dad and mom to vacation at our lake cabin. My husband and I built the cabin with my parents' comfort and my mother's wheelchair in mind. Every year, I load the car to its last inch. When I can't find room for another thing, I slam the trunk, always relieved when I hear the soft thud of a job well done and not the clanging sound of overloaded resistance.

Ready to go, my father helps my mother into the car. Even though it's painful for him to bend his knees, my father insists she sit in the front.

One time, my father stopped before getting in the car.

"No room for this?" he asked, pointing to my guitar case left in the entryway.

"Not this trip, Dad," I said, trying not to show my disappointment.

I locked up the house while my father struggled to wedge himself into the crowded space allotted him. I backed out of the driveway and we headed the three hours north.

When we pulled into the dirt road of the cabin, I parked and hurried to help my mother out of the car and into her wheelchair.

After making sure she was comfortable inside the cabin, I went to unload the car. It was only then that I realized that my father wasn't on the deck taking in the blue beauty of the lake. He was still sitting in the back seat.

"Cindy, can I have a little help here?" he laughed. "I'm kinda stuck."

Puzzled, I went around to his side of the car and saw what the problem was. There, on his lap, for three hours, without a word of complaint, he had held my guitar, wedged between his knees and the back of my seat. He was in obvious discomfort.

I hurried to move the front seat forward so I could pull the guitar case out.

"Dad, you didn't have to do that!"

"Sure I did, Cindy. I always make room for what's important to me, and what's important to me is you." He winced as I helped him up and out.

Stretching his knees before he could walk, my father looked out at the lake and breathed in the piney air. He smiled, despite his pain. "I'm grateful that you make a place for us here."

"Dad, I always make room for what's important to me," I repeated his words to him, "and what's important to me is you."
By Cynthia M. Hamond, From "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

Sleeping Leg

Maggie — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 18:24:00 GMT

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the
doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a
culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with
her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients
came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she
stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not
wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered
toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady
nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them
sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back
to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As
she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one
whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you
he was a wonderful doctor!"

Received from Pastor Tim.

From Another Grandchild

Maggie — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:27:00 GMT

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Arizona ..

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like
grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it..
He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot
luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.... PRICELESS

From the Mouths of Grandchildren

Maggie — Mon, 31 May 2010 00:27:00 GMT

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.   My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond.   I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.   Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. "

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting. " she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."   The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

Nine Habits Other People Have

Maggie — Fri, 28 May 2010 16:32:00 GMT

1. When someone points at his wrist while asking for the
time. I know where my watch is, pal; where is yours?

2. Someone who is willing to get off the couch to search the
entire room for the TV remote because he refuses to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and
eat it too." Of course I do! What good is cake if you can't
eat it?

4. When people say, "It's always the last place you look."
Of course it is. Why in the world would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are
they?

5. When people say while watching a movie at the theater,
"Did you see that?" No, loser, I paid $12 to come to the
cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really
give me a choice there, did ya, sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If
it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If
it's an improvement, then there must have been something
before it, so it couldn't be new.

8.When people say, "Life is short." What are they talking
about?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does and still
remembers! What can you do on earth that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has
the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing
here?

~ Received from Emily G.

Why God Made Moms

Maggie — Mon, 17 May 2010 19:30:00 GMT

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

A Speeding Ticket

Maggie — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:28:00 GMT

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside, San Diego , California .

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.

Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment. It then automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

Semper Fi

Church Bloopers

Maggie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 01:35:00 GMT

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Directions

Maggie — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:39:00 GMT

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Women Who Fish?

Maggie — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 02:14:00 GMT

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.   For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Traffic Camera

Maggie — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 23:48:00 GMT

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went
around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more
slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was
quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past
the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the
mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.

~ Received from Retief de Villiers.

From This Week's TEXASCOOK.COM

Maggie — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:44:00 GMT

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend… if you have one.” -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if
there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.
__________________________________________________________

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
__________________________________________________________

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows
who had been rivals all their lives followed different career
paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the
other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.
The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly,
"Oh Porter, from what gate is the flight to Dallas leaving?"
The Admiral approached, bowed, and said
"Gate 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition.
__________________________________________________________

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will
do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he
would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."