Jokes

A Heart-Warming Lawyer Story

Maggie — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:15:27 GMT

One afternoon a Lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one Man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then,you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," The lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, Also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also Have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a Car as large as the limousine was.

Once under Way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and Said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

Grandma Still Drives

Maggie — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:57:01 GMT

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Being Thankful - Really, no joke

Maggie — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:27:57 GMT

"Being Thankful"

Thanksgiving is closely approaching. Everyone is thanking the Lord for His blessings, thanking each other, and most are thanking Him for the 'spread' of food on our Thanksgiving table. I wonder why we don't do that EVERY day? After all, the Lord is with us always and provides for our needs every day, so having a thankful heart continuously seems only right.

Matthew 28:20
" Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you.

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

I hope that you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with fun
and love for each other, and yes, gratitude over-flowing. Maggie

__________________________________________________________________________

Being Thankful in All Circumstances
by Betty Miller

One of the most important keys that will make it possible for us to walk in kingdom living is our expression of praise. The Lord's prayer begins in an attitude of worship and praise, "Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth" (Luke 11:2). Praise is the will of God, and heaven overflows with it.

"And a voice came out of the throne, saying, Praise our God, all ye his servants, and ye that fear him, both small and great. And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth. Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honor to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready" (Revelation 19:5-7).

Since the presence of praise is voiced continually in heaven, our voices should also be lifted up in praise to our Lord. In 1Thessalonians 5:16-18 we are told to, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." The Lord tells us here that we are to have an attitude of joy, thanksgiving and prayer at all times, no matter what the conditions or circumstances are that surround us.

This verse does not mean that we are to thank God for bad things and tragedies that come our way. It means that we are to remain joyful no matter what is happening in our lives because we have the Lord, and in Him we shall overcome no matter what the devil is trying to do to us. The Lord does not want us to thank Him for the bad things that happen to us because He did not send them. He is not the author of evil. We are not to become bitter over life's circumstances, but rather to continue to rejoice in the Lord. It is the will of God for us to rejoice no matter what comes. It is not the will of God to receive evil things as from Him. It is an insult to God to thank Him for accidents, sickness, tragedy, etc. He does not send those things to us, the devil does. We are told to resist the devil, and submit to God. (James 4:7, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.") We are to love and rejoice in the Lord in spite of what the devil tries to do to us.

One of Satan's favorite schemes is to send something bad into someone's life and blame it on God. If he can get people to believe it is from the Lord, he has an easier time convincing them of his next lie, that God has failed them and deserted them. He follows this up with a further lie, "Why go on serving a God who does these kinds of things to you?" Satan's real target is to destroy our faith in God. He just attacks different areas to get at different people.

Our prayers should be in an attitude of praise even in the midst of our trials. We should lift our voices and praise the Lord like this, "Father, I praise You and love You, and no matter what the devil is trying to do to me. I know that You shall bring me through victoriously! Show me what I need to do, Lord. Show me the door that I have opened to the enemy. I resist him in the name of Jesus, and I command him to leave with all of his oppression and attacks. Jesus, You are the Lord of my life, and I submit to You and will never deny You no matter what happens. Praise God!".

Instead of praying like that, many Christians fall for the enemy's lies and come under condemnation and suffering. They begin to question God and even become mad at Him. The fault is not the Lord's but our own. We miss His complete victory because we have attributed Satan's attack to the Lord. We can even open the door for the enemy to come against us by not having a cheerful and rejoicing heart. We may complain and gripe to God about our plight in life instead of using the weapons He has given us to overcome the devil. Telling our troubles to God is not complaining, but blaming God for them is. One of the greatest weapons is our weapon of praise. We must praise God that He is there for us and lean not to our own understanding.

Sell Those Bibles

Maggie — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 16:47:58 GMT

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons
of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three

volunteers from the congregation who would be

willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10

each to raise the desperately needed money for

the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to

volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned

their living as salesmen and were likely capable

of selling some Bibles. But he had serious

doubts about Louie who was a local farmer,

who had always kept to himself because he was
embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING

TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to

let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back

seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked

them to meet with him and report the results

of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were,

the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack,

how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope,

Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was

able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I

collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously

shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman

and the church is indebted to you.."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles

did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28

Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's
$280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely

splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional

salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie

and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell

any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it

and counted the contents. "What is this?" the
minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in

here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320

Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in

unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister

agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you

managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.."I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't

kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,

"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to

b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for

t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would

yo-you j-j-j-just like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand

h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

Need Help?

Maggie — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 17:33:24 GMT

I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in the
world and here in the USA and at how my life was falling apart
when I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Okay, it's "bad", but you know you are laughing.

You Didn't Know What You Can Do With a Fruitcake

Maggie — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 21:51:59 GMT

With the Holiday Seasons quickly approaching, you may still have that
fruitcake from LAST year:

Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake

1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.

2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.

5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.

7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.

8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.

10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."

11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.

12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.

Noah Today

Maggie — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:26:36 GMT

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

The Hotel Bill

Maggie — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:06:28 GMT

Do Not Mess With Senior Citizens

The Hotel Bill

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Two-Day Course For Men

Maggie — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 15:04:24 GMT

Two-Day Course For Men

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE
BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR
HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL
PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER
AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO
BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time

~ Received from Max Lee.

The French and the Irish

Maggie — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 03:56:00 GMT

I'm Irish AND French, so enjoyed this joke. Hope you do, too. Maggie

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

' Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Louisiana Pastors

Maggie — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 20:45:09 GMT

Two Louisiana Pastors, Reverend Boudreaux (the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church) and Pastor Thibodaux (the minister of the Covenant Church across the road) were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:

'Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,

'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

Louisiana Pastors

Maggie — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 20:45:03 GMT

Women Think of Everything !!!

Maggie — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:31:14 GMT

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. ---To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

And you know men won't ask for directions...

No Joke

Maggie — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 17:54:32 GMT

In Chronicles 7:14, You say...."If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways ... then will I hear from Heaven, will forgive their sins and will heal their land."

Please God .. please bless and reawaken America !!!!

Grandparents

Maggie — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 15:24:56 GMT

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor... She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm
4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

Forgetter Be Forgotten?

Maggie — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 18:50:03 GMT

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

A Child's Prayer

Maggie — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 19:24:20 GMT

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do
you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

~ Received from John.

Sermon Message

Maggie — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 19:22:50 GMT

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade
children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity
and importance of this sacrament.

Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in
the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally,
unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the
lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that
one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right
now!"

Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...
and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised
priest in the middle of his sermon!

~~~ Received from Steve Sanderson.

Traffic Camera

Maggie — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 19:20:55 GMT

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.

~ Received from Retief de Villiers.

AIr Force Recruiter

Maggie — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 19:19:09 GMT

The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decided that he
would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis
affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a
nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing
near a brand-new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who
looked as if they had just stepped off a Marine Corps
recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand,
and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and
asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looked at him and said, "I'm a pilot!"

The general got all excited, turned to his aide, and said,
"Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything, do
it!" The aide hustled the young man off.

The general looked at the second young man and asked, "What
skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man said, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replied, "we don't need wood choppers in
the Air Force. What do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffed the general, "you are not listening to
me. We don't need wood choppers; this is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man said, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," said the general. "He's a pilot!"

The young man rolled his eyes and said, "But I have to chop
it before he can pile it!"

~ Received from Thomas Ellsworth.